ego

I'm not exactly talking about the song by Beyonce, but I'm not exactly NOT talking about it either. But for real, let's talk ego.

Whoa there. Ego, you say? What ego? I've often labeled others as having "big" egos, but never really considered myself as an egotistical person. Honestly, I never really acknowledged the fact that I have one until recently - as in like, yesterday. We all have one whether we'd like to own it or not. Egos come in all different shapes, sizes and flavors if you know what I mean. I'm not sure where the disconnect has been all these years, but since I've made an effort to date myself (the irony of including this in a post about ego is not lost on me, but I swear it's NOT what it sounds like - I'll explain in another post) I've come to get to know my ego really, really well. I'm no narcissist, and I don't consider myself cocky, self-involved or anything else that is typically associated with egotism, but I have an ego nonetheless. I'm only human, after all.

We're about to get real here, people. Brace yourselves.

Sometimes I wonder why a guy would dare to date another girl over me. It's not uncommon for me to get a little envious when someone is better at something than I am. A lot of times I wonder why I don't have a butt load of likes on my Instagram pic. I ALWAYS wonder why I didn't get hired for the job and someone else did. I can get so broody over why someone should be choosing me, thinking about me, praising me, etc. that I forget about the world around me, that their are other people out there. I get a little obsessive - neurotic, if you will.

HELLO. There's real stuff going on out there and WAY more important things to be thinking about. C'mon girl. Get your shit together - this isn't The Jenna Show.

Yesterday when I was out for my morning hike, I reached the top of the trail and was faced with a stupidly beautiful view of Aspen Mountain. Ajax loomed over me like this magic, miraculous, all-powerful kind of force. Yeah, you could say some instant humbling went down. Ego, deflated. All of the sudden my problems, my insecurities, my worries didn't seem so big, so bad. I think as humans we tend to get so involved in ourselves, in each other, in our day-to-day lives that we forget we're not the only ones out there - that we're just a small piece of the puzzle that is the universe.

So, next time my ego tries to take the wheel, I'll remember the mountains. If I didn't hit this point home already, I don't think there's anything wrong with an ego. It's innate, it's something inherent to being human. I just think it's important to recognize when my ego is inflating a little too much and adjust accordingly. That's all. If you're with me when this happens and I fail to recognize or do something about it, call me out yo! Give my ego a solid smacking until I come back down to earth. Don't let me get away with that shit. I give you full permission, because you can be sure that I'll be doing the same for you.

Namaste, bitches. xx

about that comfort zone

A comfort zone is a beautiful thing. It feels like home. It’s the cozy, familiar cushion that we all cling to, to a certain degree. We all have one and we all need one. It’s a safe space we can come back to over and over again, to regroup, to recharge, to relax and whatever else we may need.

Having lived quite far outside the boundaries my own personal CZ for the past year, I’ve started to think of coming home as slipping back into the cushy and familiar – but it doesn’t have to be. At one point in my life – not that long ago to be honest – all I wanted was consistency. I craved routine and clung to it like it was the only thing that would keep my head above water. My daily routine typically consisted of: yoga, work, Netflix, sleep, repeat. And that’s kind of it. I know – SO boring.

Now, I’m doing everything I can to push myself farther and farther outside of the familiar each and every day. I fear anything even remotely habitual – the last thing I want to do is go through the motions, to feel like I’m on repeat. So, upon moving home at the end of this month (my god, when did August get here?) I’m going to actively challenge myself to not fall back into my old routines, to cling to the already-been-dones. Not to say I won’t spend time with old friends, eat at my favorite restaurants, peruse the usual bars, have my yoga-work-Netflix-sleep days – because let’s be real here – I’ll absolutely do all of those things, but I’m also going to mix it up. A lot.

I’ve always thought of adventure as synonymous with travel, but I’ve come to realize that there’s always adventure to be found if you’re open to looking for it. You don’t have to backpack in New Zealand for the better part of a year or move to a remote mountain town to fill your days with adventure (although I plan on the first aforementioned and have already checked the latter off of my bucket list.) True, I did spend 21ish years growing up in the great (and at times impossibly cold) state of Minnesota, but there are still so many nooks and crannies left to explore, so many rad people to get to know, so much room for ACTIVITIES (only avid Step Brothers/Will Ferrell fans will get that reference.) AH! I’m all excited just thinking about it.

I’ve been on a huge personal growth-spurt the past year, and I’d like to continue that. I also like to think that I’ve come to see the world through a different lens – with more gratitude, compassion, openness to possibility and diversity, humility (if you wanna talk humility, move to a place where you literally don’t know anyone,) and an all-around softer lens than before. Truth bomb: I used to be (and still can be) a little rough around the edges at times. I’m workin’ on it people. But seriously, I'm itching to get to know the city, the state, that will always be home for me in this new lens - and to get the absolute most out of this homecoming. I'm making a promise right MEOW to myself that I will make the most out of it, because who knows how long I'll be there. I've got big plans, yo.

I’m a perpetual student of life, and I never want to stop learning about what I have to offer the world or what the world has to offer me. Let's see what the next leg of the journey has in store for me. See you in a jiffy, my Minnesotans. I have missed you so!

Stay curious and never stop exploring, you guys. xx

the unplug drug

(image via Jacki Carr & Britt Nemeth Photography)

The second they asked me to put my phone in the little blue berry basket my heart sunk a little. A million thoughts started racing through my mind: “How long am I going to be here? What if someone is trying to reach me? I won’t be able to take a picture. What if so”—STOP.  Just stop. In that moment, before we even got started, I realized I have a problem. I’m addicted to my phone. Like, can’t-leave-the-house-without-it, checking-to-see-if-I-have-a-new-notification-every-47-seconds, carry-a-charger-with-me-at-all-times (God forbid it dies) kind of addicted. Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem…right?

Even once the Bliss Rebellion started and my phone was out of reach, I thought about it. Incessantly. I had an itch that I couldn’t scratch because something that has admittedly become part of my being, in a sense, was (temporarily) gone. I mean, it was practically calling my name from across the room. I swear it. GROSS. I’m cringing just typing these words. All too often I get sucked into that tiny little screen and forget that there is life all around me. People. Nature. Places to see and things to do. Oy...

They dropped so many truth bombs in that hour – SO MANY. I was in sheer bliss as I laughed, listened and learned. As we dug deeper and deeper into our conversations about connection, disconnection and the unplug drug, I started to think about my phone a little less. And at the end of it all, it was the absolute last thing on my mind - I almost forgot to grab it on my way out. The wisdom these three ladies possess is awe-inspiring and their passion for sharing it is magical. If you haven’t heard about Rock Your Bliss, Folk Rebellion or the women behind the brands, Google it. Right now. Actually, I take that back. Do it the second you’re done reading this.

Anyways, they made me stare into the eyes of a complete stranger for one whole minute. Have you ever done this? It was longer than a microwave minute – hell, longer than a treadmill minute. I learned two things from this:

1.     Eye contact makes me wildly uncomfortable.
2.     I need a lot more of it in my life.

I was so uncomfortable with it at first that I was about to jump out of my own skin, but hey, nothing great ever comes out of a comfort zone. And, I’m alive. I’m here. I'm writing to you right now, so obviously I made it out of there in one piece. (Dramatic much?) All said and done, I’m glad I did it. It’s insane how something so simple can teach such a huge, impactful lesson. I mean, this is the root of all connection. Am I right? There is something so profound about making eye contact with someone – not just the fleeting, blink-of-an-eye and it’s over kind. I'm talkin' about the juicy, see-into-the-other-person's-soul kind of eye contact. Yeah, that. I think I made more eye contact in that one hour than I have in my entire life, and I had never felt more connected to a group of people I had only just met that day. And this all happened without my phone.

My phone is great. It allows me to keep in touch with all sorts of people I can’t see on a regular basis – and for that I love it. But it also has a way of distracting me and keeping me from being present when I AM around people, and for that I hate it. At the end of the day, though, I can’t place all the blame on my tiny little portable computer. I’m half of this equation too, and I have no problem owning it.

With that said, there need to be boundaries. I mean I’m on the phone with my parents - who I see way less than I would like to - and I’m trolling through my Instagram feed. Absolutely sick, I know. I even sleep with the damn thing about 5 inches from my head. No bueno.

So, it ends here. And no, I don’t mean I’m going to go completely analog and ditch my phone. But like I said, boundaries.

For one, when I am with people, my phone is away. Not sitting on my lap, or in my pocket, or wherever. It’s out of sight and out of mind. Non-negotiable. Feel free to slap me on the back of the head if you see me staring at a screen while I’m in good company.

Also, I will take (at least!) one hour a day to completely unplug – whether that’s yoga, hiking, reading, or anything and everything in between.

I will not use my phone, watch TV or anything else that involves a screen within an hour of my bedtime. Sorry late night Netflix marathons, we’re breaking up.

So, here's to diving into my REAL life and living less and less out of the one powered by LTE and Wi-Fi. Don't forget about lots and lots of eye contact. Yes, that too. Cheers!

what aspen has taught me about loving my life

I'm going to start off with a disclaimer of sorts: most of you will think I'm crazy for some of the stuff I'm about to say next. You've been warned.

I've learned A LOT since I moved out to this magical little place called Aspen - about people, about myself, about adulting, about life in general. Above all else, I've learned how to live life - and love it.

Having talked to people that have lived in Aspen for decades, people who have just recently moved here, and people that are from all over the world, I've gathered one important piece of information: everyone is here because they want to be. Nobody ends up in Aspen because they were forced to, or because they're stuck and they can't seem to get out. I mean, come on. How often do you stumble upon a place like this? Pretty much never.

With that said, as you can imagine, that creates a very special--for lack of a better word--vibe. People in Aspen are here for one reason: to do what they love - which makes for a town full of very happy people. They're not living to work, but working to live (as cheesy as that sounds.) When you meet someone in Aspen, the conversation always starts off with, "What do you do here?" but no one's wondering what pays your bills - they're curious about what you do for fun, for you. No one gives a shit if you're waiting tables, bar tending or looking after someone else's kids. None of that matters - it's all about how you're living your life. On any given day, I chat with people who just got back from skiing their way through Europe, backpacking throughout Southeast Asia or something equally as rad and exciting. Talk about life envy, am I right? I've never felt more inspired to pursue what I love to do, what lights me up, than when I moved to Aspen.

I mean, that's what you're supposed to do. Go to school, graduate, get a job and work your way up to a six figure salary...right? WRONG. So wrong. (Unless that's what you want to do.)

Guys, I've realized that I can create a life that I truly love and have all of those adventures, too - and so can you. I don't have to be married to my job, work six days a week and move my way up to a job where I sit behind a desk all day and call the shots - I can choose happiness instead.

I'm not saying everyone should quit their job, move out to a tiny ski town and party their asses off every day. And I'm not saying that we should shirk all of our responsibilities. But by all means, if that's what you want, I highly encourage you to do that. No judgement here.

What I'm saying is DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY and don't forget to really live your life. We must have adventures when we're young so that we can tell stories when we're old, right? There's nothing worse than going through the motions and being miserable while doing it. If that's crunching numbers and wearing a suit and tie to work every day, then do it. If that's scooping ice cream and laying on the beach all day, get after it. If that's teaching people how to ski and getting 100+ days out on the mountain each season, hell yeah.  You don't have to be a weekend warrior, counting down the seconds until Friday every single week. Don't sit behind a desk and stare at a computer screen just because you think that's what you should be doing. Live a little, guys. If you're going to do something that you're not super jazzed about, at least take plenty of time to do what you really love.

So, I'm letting go of all the "shoulds." All of the preconceived notions about what my career should be or how I should build my life. I may move to Fiji and work on a cacao farm. I may travel through New Zealand and pick up odd jobs. I may complete a yoga teacher training in an exotic country. But that's just what I would do...what makes you happy and gets you excited to be alive? Think about it. I have my whole life to settle down into a desk job - so I'm going to do everything that's calling me NOW and then look to settle down with responsibility later.

Make a list of all the things that make you happy. Make a list of all the things you do every day. Compare. Adjust accordingly. (Thanks for that advice, Jacki Carr.)

Namaste, bitches.

always coming back home to you

After months of indecision and not knowing where I'm headed next, I've made up my mind: Minnesota.

You heard me, I'm coming back home. Naturally, everyone asks why I want to go back to Minneapolis. Most of the Aspenites I've had this conversation with think I'm crazy for wanting to leave, presumably (but never explicitly stated) because it's Minnesota. I get that, and I'm not saying I'm not crazy, because I am, but there's something much bigger for me in Minneapolis than anything that ties me to Aspen - family.

As I've talked about before, Chicago was pretty much a definite for quite some time. I had my heart set on it, or at least I thought. The whole draw behind Chicago was that I would be close to home, but not too close, if you know what I mean. Well, it didn't end up working out and I am beyond grateful because I was able to realize what I truly wanted all along: home.

Believe me, it wasn't an easy decision in the least - it was actually really, really hard. But at the end of the day, I know I've made the right choice for where I'm at in my life right now. Oh, and I may have forgotten to mention I'm going to be an AUNTIE. That might have a little something to do with it...!!!

Exact dates haven't been chosen, and no plane tickets or moving vans are are in the works quite yet, but expect to see this gal back in the 612 this fall. Until then, I'll be busy hiking, camping and making the most out of my little adventure in Aspen :)

Namaste, bitches!

practice

"Fuck no" is always my gut reaction when a teacher breaks down a new inversion in class or I see someone across the room from me doing ridiculously ridiculous things with his or her body. My next thought being, "How is that even possible?" Thirdly, "You want me to put what, where?" is sure to follow. There have been countless times where I've caught myself staring wide-eyed, jaw to the floor in utter shock, amazement and bewilderment. For anyone who has ever taken a yoga class, I know ja feel.

I'll just state the obvious here, it's not like someone pops out of the womb being able to do a handstand or put their foot behind their head while balancing on their own two hands, (for the record, yes, that's actually possible and most definitely something you need to see to believe) no matter how easy they make it look.

I've learned many things from yoga, i.e. the splits are ten fold harder to get out of than they are getting into, falling on your face before you fly into crow for the first time is inevitable, and it always seems impossible until it is done. These things take time, as do all of the best things in life, and even the most seemingly impossible tasks are absolutely possible with a little (most times a lot) of hard work.

A total type A in so many aspects of my life, the cleanliness of my room not being one of them, I have always looked toward perfection as the end goal in nearly everything I've done. As I've realized through hundreds of hours on my mat, I will never be happy if I'm always trying to reach that "perfect" pose or have a "perfect" practice. Here's a truth bomb for you guys: practice makes progress; and for practice to make progress we must fail, fail, fail and fail all over again. Each time we fail, we must let go of our ego, look for the learnings, internalize them and prepare for our next failure.

Failure means we're daring enough to find our edge, push it and fall off the other side.

So, here's to practice and failure, two inextricable life necessities. Don't be afraid to fall on your face every once in awhile, it will help you in reaching whatever it is that you work so hard for.  ;)

Namaste, bitches.
 

intent

It's always a good day when I start off with time on my mat.

Yesterday, I went to my favorite studio in town--the Shakti Shala--to take a class from one of my favorite yoga goddesses and gurus, Jayne. You guys, she's the real deal. As usual, we set an intention at the beginning of class. I don't remember her exact words, and in not wanting to butcher them and take away from the profoundness of said words, I'm not going to paraphrase. But, like she tends to do, she spoke right to my heart; my core; my soul. I was amazed that, after the hundreds of yoga classes that I have taken in my lifetime, she was able to make something so routine seem so profound.

So, I set my intention. Instead of hastily picking something because I was told to, just as I have every other class preceding, I thought about it. I really, really thought about it. I took a nice swim in lake me and found something to dedicate my practice to that truly gave it meaning.

And, it changed my practice.

I'll be frank, it wasn't the best practice I've ever had. On my end, I've probably had much "better" classes. I didn't walk away from it feeling like a changed woman, nor did I master tittibhasana or mayurasana (what do you mean you don't know what those are? Lighten up, I'm only joking...)

For the first time ever, my practice was selfless. Each pose had a meaning and every breath was purposeful. I was energized in a way that I hadn't thought possible until I had time to soak it all in during savasana.

This got me thinking about what my life could look like if I took what I learned on my mat that day and applied it to the other 99.999% of my days. What if I set an intention, if I dedicated all of my efforts to something or someone outside of myself each morning? Hot damn. My mind is going crazy with the thought of all the bitchin' things that could come of it. It gets pretty boring always doing things for my own selfish purposes--at least in my opinion. I think it's time to mix it up and let selflessness take the reigns for awhile. My ego could use a breather, ha!

So, I'm going to experiment. I'm going to see where dedicating my time to someone or something that is near and dear to my heart can take me. I have a gut feeling it's going to be pretty extraordinary.

namaste, bitches.

fearless

adjective 1. without fear; bold or brave; intrepid.

I've never considered myself fearless. Out of all the times I've had to describe myself in three words or give my 30 second elevator speech, it has never made the cut. It has never even crossed my mind, really.

Lately, the word has taken on an entirely different meaning. Let's be honest, there isn't a human being on this planet that is truly without fear. If you say that you are, I don't believe you.  Whether you're young or old, American or Chinese, rich or poor, an introvert or extrovert, we all have something that scares us, that gives us pause--if only for a moment. To me, fearless means choosing to take chances and make decisions despite not knowing what may come, or perhaps knowing exactly what's ahead; It's choosing to change, grow and learn regardless of whatever fears or woes you may have.

With that being said, I guess I could consider myself a whole lot more fearless--but there's always room for growth. Sure, there are times when I've thrown caution to the wind or gone with my heart instead of my head, but I can think of just as many or more times when I made, or didn't make, a decision out of fear. Fear of not being enough, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of uncertainty and the list goes on. Not to say that fear is always the masked villain, the antagonist, because it can also be useful, but it's all about being aware of where you stand in the face of fear. Fear has been playing a much bigger role in my life than I ever realized and here's what I have to say about it: fuck it.

In my mind, vulnerability is one of the best, most sensible, yet hardest ways to combat fear. But when is the right thing ever the easiest? Being vulnerable is not something that I'm good at. I fear all of the aforementioned, so I tend to build walls, make assumptions and come to a conclusion about something often times before it has even started. I'm so emotionally constipated that I either say things that I don't mean to divert the attention away from my true feelings, or not even raise my voice at all. Enough with all of that.

So, I will keep a close eye on my fears, always taking them into consideration but never letting them hold me back. I will love without the expectation of being loved in return. I will take risks without certainty of reward. I will say exactly what I feel and mean without knowing what will be said in return. I will live, not just exist, because I am fearless.

Namaste, bitches.

love love

I was talking with one of the most beautiful souls I've come across in this vast world and she said something that I had never heard before, "I fall in love with everyone I meet." She then proceeded to talk about how that love comes in many different forms, but it's always there. Wow, I love that. I've always looked at the word love as a very heavy, serious thing, not to be used lightly and definitely to be used sparingly. Love has always seemed like something that needed to be earned, to be worked for. Well, I've been dead wrong all of this time.

People always say that you should sprinkle kindness around like confetti, that shit's contagious, and I'm starting to realize the same applies for love. Be love. Spread love. Because why the f*** not? I'm not talking about the let's-get-married, I-want to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you love, (but by all means, if that's what you've got to give than get to it!) but just plain love. The I-appreciate-you, seeing-you-makes-my-day-brighter kind of love. Life is far too short not to be constantly telling the people who matter most in your life that you love them. I don't ever want someone who has my love--in whatever capacity that is--to go without knowing.

I didn't intend to drop the "meaning of life" bomb, but it's just going to have to happen anyways. The meaning of life isn't made up of what we did for a living, how much money we raked in, where we traveled, what we accomplished, or any of that petty B.S.--but you know this. In my humble opinion, our purpose in life has much more to do with how we made people feel; how fervently, brilliantly and ferociously we loved. I truly believe we're put on this earth to create relationships and connect with each other. It's as simple as that. When you take a step back and look at the big picture, the only thing that matters once you strip away ego, desire, lust, greed and all of that good stuff, is our relationships. Our love.

As one of my favorite authors once wrote, "There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice." (Preach, Mr. Fitzgerald, preach.) Whether that's brotherly love, motherly love, best friend love, you-make-the-best-latte-in-town love or anything in between, it's all love, and the world needs a lot more of it.

Namaste, bitches.

(P.s. I wrote love 22 times in this brief post, I know.)

just let go

I have this vision in my head of how my life is supposed to play out: where I'll live, what I'll do for a living, who my friends will be, who I'll fall in love with and even what I'll name my two dogs (Sean and Gus.) As time goes by and I'm not "on track" with what I've imagined, or certain aspects of my life stray from the plan, I get a little neurotic. I'm pretty sure I've talked about how I'm a planner, often to a fault, in a previous post or two. Some of you can relate to that, right?

I've started to realize trying to stick so steadfastly to the path I think I should be on is getting in the way of well, life. Of serendipity, happenstance, surprise and delight, spontaneity and ultimately happiness. I'm constantly trying to create space for these big, benchmark moments that may or may not even happen, while being blind to things that are going on all around me each and every day.

In short, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes I forget to live. I forget to be open to new people, places, experiences and even ideas. I forget to be grateful. I forget to have big belly laughs. I forget to be myself. I get so caught up in ego, want and desire that I let beautiful moments pass me by, perhaps never to come my way again. I'm a true believer in that, what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me, but I also believe that something can only change your life if you let it, if you're open to it.

Like I've mentioned before, I believe that everything happens, or doesn't, for a reason. I believe that timing is everything--when something is supposed to work itself out, it will. For example, I'm planting the seeds and putting what I want out into the universe but I've just recently realized that there's no rush. This is really hard for me because I'm not exactly patient. I search for instant gratification and I like things to move along at a steady pace. That's just the way I'm wired, I guess. I wouldn't go as far to say that I believe in destiny, but I believe that what is meant to be will be. What matters most isn't what might or could be, but what is right here and now. It's all about finding that balance between trusting the universe to give back to you what you put out and being happy with exactly where you are right now.

So, here's to letting go of the life I think I should be living and diving into the one that I am living.

namaste, bitches.

new perspective

Colorado is home to many rad things, and as it turns out winter just happens to be one of them.

After spending 22 winters in Minnesota, I had pretty much written winter off forever. Minnesota winter had 22 chances to win over my heart and failed miserably. The final straw was last winter when I found myself walking across campus to classes in -20some degrees windchill because we had so many days off due to extreme cold (i.e. -50 degrees) that -20 was no longer "that cold." No thank you, mother nature. No thank you.

I thoroughly enjoy leaving my house without the fear of frostbite. It's a good, warm, fuzzy feeling. If I still owned a car, I would enjoy not fearing that the doors won't open or the car itself wouldn't start due to stupidly low temps. Today I even ventured out to Smuggler and embarked on my first winter hike--which is no biggie for anyone who's a true Aspenite--but is a huge deal for this chick from the tundra. Participating in outdoor activities during the winter besides pond hockey? It's practically unheard of.

My favorite part about winter in Colorado? The SUN. It's a crazy concept for me, since we so very rarely are blessed with the yellow round guy in the sky during winters back home. It's true what they say: It's always sunny in Colorado. Nobody has SAD here or needs a happy lamp, there's plenty of vitamin D to go around all winter. It's simply fantastic.

I guess the point of me telling you this story is two-fold, the first reason being I wanted to share my new found love of the chillier months after having such a disdain for it all of my life. It's crazy how something I've dreaded for so many years can turn into a beautiful thing--it's refreshing to get a new perspective. The second reason being a little shameless self promotion to get some visitors out here. My couch is always open, you guys! I love when people come and see me : )

namaste, bitches. xo

come alive

This.

In 2015, it is my mission to pursue what makes me come alive. It's mind blowing to think of how different the world be if everyone did exactly what they loved. For me, this is writing and traveling. Not just writing and traveling as two separate entities, but writing about my travels. To me, they are two halves of a whole. I can't think of a time when I was more inspired to write and share my thoughts, feelings and experiences with the world than when I spent a semester abroad in Europe. I was just as excited to write about my travels as I was to physically participate them. I think it's the excitement of trying something for the first time or the unique experiences that inevitably come along with traveling that I'm drawn to. Ask me to speak in front of a group? I'm breaking out in hives, stuttering and popping a double dose of my anxiety meds. Ask me to write something? I'll write you a freaking novel. #nerdalert

What does this look like for me, exactly? Starting with baby steps, the first one being exactly this: putting what I want out into the universe. Check.

Next? Writing more. Over the last few months I've been really good at making excuses about why I'm not writing, including: "I'm too busy," "I'm too tired," and "I don't have anything interesting to write about." Wrong, all wrong. After an inspirational conversation with one of the coolest humans I've ever met, I was reminded that I should be writing every day. Writing is like a muscle; if you don't use it, you lose it. It's something that I am committing to every single day from here on out, whether it's a paragraph or a page. Don't worry, I won't be using this as my public, online diary. I'll spare you all the behind-the-scenes writing and save the good stuff (or at least what I think is the good stuff) for the blog. Promise.

Having things to write about is also a slightly important piece of this puzzle. This means breaking out of my dailey routine (ha, see what I did there? Bad joke...) and constantly putting myself in a position where I'm vulnerable and open to new experiences each and every day, not just when I have big plans. I tend to find a routine that works for me--no matter how boring and mundane it may be--and sticking to it. I find myself playing it safe and thinking twice, more often three or four times, about straying from what I'm used to. Well, that's all about to change. Bring on the spontaneity and open-mindedness. I'm ready for ya.

What comes after steps one, two and three? I have lots of ideas, but there's nothing set in stone. I have a gut feeling that I'll know exactly when I'm supposed to. I say that not because I'm lazy and expect amazing things to just fall into my lap, but because I believe in timing. I believe that everything happens for a reason, that opportunities aren't presented to you before you're ready (whether you believe you are or not) and that the dots always connect down the road.

Cheers to doing what makes us come alive. Let's see where this takes me.

Namaste, bitches.

humility

I like to do things that I'm good at. We all do, right? There's something infectious about knowing you're going to completely nail something. Crush it. Conquer it. Well, sometimes I get so caught up in sticking to things that (I think) I'm good at, that I forget to be a beginner. This is why snowboarding is good for my soul.

My first run in seven years--which took place just over a month ago--was so. much. fun. I looked ridiculous and I couldn't make it more than 20 feet without falling, but I was having a blast. Then the second time came around and I was still falling much more than my butt and knees wanted to handle. And the third. And the fourth. By this time I was pissed and I let my ego convince me that I hated snowboarding... Umm hello, it's just snowboarding. Why so serious? Disliking something because I'm not good at is just stupid--and I realize that now. I could count on both hands the number of times I've gone snowboarding and I'm already ruling it out? Come on. I mean it's one of the most unnatural things I can think of: having both legs strapped to a board and flying down the side of a MOUNTAIN on snow. I think it's OK if I haven't mastered it after less than a dozen tries.

So, I'm committing to keep on shredding the gnar gnar on the pow pow (ha ha), keeping an open mind and being a beginner more often. Bring on the newness.

a year in reflection: 2014

Ahh, another year in the books. Seriously, did 2014 go by even faster than 2013? I'm scared that I'll blink and it will be 2056, which is why I'm taking the time to reflect on the last year and express my gratitude for all of the kick ass experiences I was so lucky to have.

The first that comes to mind was opening the lululemon at the Edina Galleria. It was a blast getting to experience a new store opening and be a part of the whole process. The best part? The amazing group of lemons that I now consider my family--I miss you all every single day. You changed my life, truly.

Next up is graduation--it's hard to believe that I'm coming up on a full year of being a post grad this spring. Oy. I wouldn't go as far to say that college was the best four years of my life, because I have way too much time ahead of me to say that the best years of my life are behind me, but it was F-U-N. I made countless questionable decisions, but you can be sure I always (eventually) came out on top. I met some of the coolest humans that I now call my best friends and the distance from my childhood and high school friends strengthened and deepened our relationships more than I could have ever imagined. I suppose I did a little studying here and there too, ha! I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it, but at the same time you couldn't pay me to do it all again.

Not too long after graduating, I celebrated turning 22 surrounded by all of my favorite people--it was definitely a benchmark birthday. It still makes me smile thinking about all of the people who made it special.

Then, Aspen happened. I knew from the start that moving to a town I had never been before and where I didn't know a soul was going to be a life changing experience--and boy is it ever. I've gotten to live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and not one second of it has been lost on me. I'm grateful every single day for this rare opportunity and the support from my family that without, none of this would be possible. Through truly living on my own for the first time and working with yet another amazing group of lemons (seriously, how did I get so lucky?!) I have learned more about myself and how to be a human being in the real world than I ever thought was possible. It hasn't all been easy, in fact at times it has been really fucking hard, but I think that the best things in life are fought for. Right? My days left here in Aspen may be numbered (that number is still up in the air), but I have never once doubted that I was meant to come to Aspen and that this is exactly where I need to be at this time in my life. Aspen will always be my home away from home.

With that being said, I'm going into 2015 with an open mind. I have no resolutions. All I'm committing to is staying true to my intentions of always trusting my gut, strengthening my relationships and doing what makes me happy, all of which I'm carrying over from 2014. I have complete faith in the universe that I will experience exactly what was meant for me in the coming year and that anything that misses me was not meant for me.

Here's to the adventure ahead that is 2015. Cheers!

that full moon though

We've all--perhaps tirelessly--heard the phrase "enjoy the little things" or a similar adaptation. Well, the little things are the best. Seriously. I've loved that saying ever since the first time I laid eyes on it, but I don't think I truly put it into practice or appreciated its true 'essence,' if you will, until now. It only took me 22 years and moving to a new town in a another state where I didn't know a soul.

When you're constantly living and breathing outside of your comfort zone, you begin to notice things you probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise or that you constantly take for granted. The other night I was walking home from a night out on the town and I couldn't help but ogle over the full moon. Sure, I've seen countless full moons, but that night I really couldn't a.) stop talking about it, b.) stop staring at it or c.) stop smiling. I mean I had this huge, toothy grin on my face and I was blabbing about it for the whole walk home--my friend must have wanted to duct tape my mouth shut or just completely knock me out. Oh, and don't even get me started on those stars. It was like I had never seen either of them before. The reason why I'm even writing about this now is that I truly don't remember the last time I took the time to look up at a starry sky and appreciate its beauty. It was breathtaking.

The next day when I woke up, I still had those damn stars and full moon on my mind. This got me to thinking about all of those other things that I may have been missing out on or not fully appreciating, and the list I came up with was truly infinite: The check-in texts from friends and family, people smiling as we pass on a trail or on the streets, the baristas at Peach's asking for--and proceeding to remember--my name, a good book, my brother offering to pick me up from the airport, etc.

Although small, when strung together these seemingly tiny things evolve into one big, continuous streak of happy. An endless supply of warm fuzzies--and who doesn't want that, right? Sometimes I get caught up in looking for those grand gestures that will take my breath away or flip my world upside down, but really they may never happen and that's just not a sustainable way to enjoy life.

The little things are happening all the time, everywhere you turn, you just have to be paying enough attention to see them. The choice is yours.

anywhere but here

I've started to realize what I thought was one of my biggest strengths is actually one of my biggest weaknesses: multitasking. My mom has scolded me on multitasking since I was in junior high, but I've always rolled my eyes and continued doing my homework, while watching TV, while texting and checking my Facebook, for example. Welp, here I am however many years later and I'm finally seeing that Mom was right...as usual. When I'm on a hike or at yoga, I think about what I'm going to eat after I work out (but really, when am I not thinking about what I'm going to eat next?) When I'm at work, I think about what I'll be doing once I get off. When I'm at home watching TV, I'm doing work and sending emails. When I'm out to dinner with friends or family, I'm constantly checking my phone. I stop paying attention for what seems like a second and when I finally snap back into the moment, I realize that I've missed so much more than that. When did I realize this was a problem for me? When I got so caught up in what I'll be doing in a year from now that I forgot to enjoy my new home...ASPEN. How stupid is that? I know, I kind of want to slap me too. This is no bueno, people. No bueno at all. I'm missing out on things that are happening right here, right now, and wasting my time worrying about things that haven't even happened or that might not even happen at all. W T F.

They say the first step is admitting you have a problem...

Well, in an effort to not miss out anymore of my life, I'm making a commitment to just be present. It might sound simple, but it's something that doesn't come easy for me. Whether I'm watching TV, at work or on the phone with the fam, I'm going to be all there. I refuse to miss out on anything else. There is a time and a place for everything, and that time and place is not while I'm already doing something else (that sounded really great in my head, but I'm not so sure now that I've written it down...) Feel free to call me out on this if you notice me not staying true to my commitment, in fact, please do.

Well, here goes nothing. Cheers to being present, people, because all we have is now.
 

self love

Yep. Self love. I need A LOT more of that in my life. (No, not that kind. I know at least some of you went there.)

Self love is a term that I've come to be very familiar with throughout my journey into yoga and from following some of the brightest and most compassionate yogis like Jacki Carr and Mary Beth LaRue. Although it's something I've been hearing for years and is always at the back of my mind, it's something that I've never put into practice.

I've found that, like many other things, self love is a lot easier said than done--at least for me. Brace yourself, because I'm going to be awkwardly, brutally, terribly honest: I don't love myself. I really, really don't. I can never live up to the standards I set for myself and nothing I ever do is good enough. Quite honestly, I could go on forever: I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm simply not enough--not for myself, not for anyone. Well, shit. What good does this kind of thinking do me? Absolutely none at all.

The turning point? Taking a moment to slow down and think about the past several months and realizing that I wasn't proud of myself for graduating college or moving to Aspen. Wtf? I've gotten to the point where I'm not satisfied with ANYTHING that I do, and these are definitely things that anyone else would and should be ecstatic about.

What's the root of this problem? Looking for happiness in others--which, as it turns out, isn't a sustainable way to be happy. It's actually exhausting, fleeting and ultimately just makes me miserable. Not to say that others can't and don't contribute to my happiness, but true happiness is something that I have to find within myself and allow myself to have.

Well, enough with all of these fucking not-enoughs. I'm more than ready to be happy and, even though it pains me to say it, I deserve it. I do.

It's a slow process--definitely baby steps--but I'm learning that it's OK to be happy with myself, to be proud of something that I did or that I created. I'm trying to teaching myself that I won't burst into flames if I acknowledge myself for something I did. Being happy with myself doesn't inherently make make me conceited, it doesn't make me smug, it doesn't make me selfish. It just makes me happy.

With that said, here's a little test run on self love: I acknowledge myself not only for being vulnerable (which is another thing I'm currently working on 'cause no one likes talking to a brick wall, right?) and writing down my darkest, innermost feelings in this post, but also for the fact that I'm taking time to write, which is something that is in my goals and is extremely important to me, but not always a priority.

Boom. I did it.

Cheers to self love, guys. Peace 'n blessings.

get lost

Today was great. Why? Because I got lost.

Why didn't I just use Google Maps or drop a pin? ...because where's the fun in that?

Although my hike started with the familiar, it ended with quite the opposite. I went up Smuggler and instead of going right back down, I decided to take the scenic Hunter Creek Trail for the first time. The moment I turned left for the Hunter Creek trail, I had no idea where I was going--and I couldn't have been happier. It was both exhilarating and uniquely refreshing to not know where I was headed or where I'd end up. Every path I went down and every corner I turned was entirely new--something that I haven't had the excitement of in way too long before I moved to Aspen. I was 120% present; I listened to the sound of the creek and the wind stirring up leaves, I paid attention to every bend in the path and I completely forgot about everything that wasn't right there in that moment. I took my time, I had nowhere I needed to be except exactly where I was. It was bliss, and I don't throw that word around freely. I was so happy to be doing something different that I even enjoyed the fricken birds chirping along the way. It was by no means an epiphany or revelation, but it was one of  those underrated "ah-hah moments" where I learned a little bit more about myself. I took a few "wrong turns"  but I mean really, is there such thing as a wrong turn when you're exploring?

When you live somewhere for 22 years, you get comfortable--you get in a routine. You could drive to the grocery store in your sleep. You know where all the great sushi restaurants are (and the not-so-great ones, too.) You know where to fill up with the cheapest gas. You tend to stick to what you know--at least that's my problem.

In order to get out of my routine, I had to get the heck outta Dodge. Most people probably don't need to pick up and jump state lines to get out of their routines, but that was exactly what I needed. I was too comfortable, which is how I know I needed a change. If I didn't get out and experience the world on my own--truly alone, not just "studying abroad" or moving into my own place 5 miles from home--I think I would have stayed forever. I'm at the point where I'm not entirely settled in and feeling like Aspen is home, but at the same time I know that if I had the choice to hop on a plane tomorrow and head back to the Minneapple I couldn't do it. I know I wouldn't be satisfied. There are too many I-have-no-idea-where-I'm-going-but-wherever-I-end-up-is-AOK-with-me adventures to be had. Not to say that I won't end up back in Minnesota someday, but I have way too much of the world to see before I know it's where I'm meant to end up.

From here on out I'm making a promise to myself to get lost more often. To never shy away from taking the road less traveled or trying something new, whether it's hiking a new trail or moving half-way across the world.

Let's see where I end up.

choose to see the good stuff

How much happier do you think we'd all be if we just shifted the way we looked at things? At the world?

Yesterday, I stood in line and couldn't help but eavesdrop on a father and daughter standing behind me. They bitched and moaned for probably 20 minutes--if not 30 or 40 (the line was reaaally long.) They complained about the buses not coming early, they complained about what people were--or weren't--wearing, they complained about how many people there were, and the list goes on. Honestly, it's a much shorter list to tell you what they didn't complain about than what they did.

Usually this kind of thing would affect my mood and I myself would start to complain and point out all the things that were wrong in that very moment--but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was going to have fun, god damnit. The sun was shining, I was spending some quality time with two of my favorite people and was about to hop on a bus to one of the most beautiful spots in Aspen. And then there's the simple fact that we're in Aspen--one of the most beautiful places in the world. What the hell is there to be miserable about? Nothing.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing these two people were complaining about matter even the slightest, but they let it. I realized that instead of reporting back to their loved ones about how perfect the weather was, how beautiful the scenery was or how much fun they had with each other, they would probably talk about everything they had been complaining about all morning--and that made me sad.

This got me thinking...

I really do have control over my life. I have choice--I always have choice. I can choose to take on the negative emotions and feelings of people around me--or other things I cannot control--and let it ruin my day, or not. My happiness is just that--mine--and it doesn't have to depend on other peoples'.

Piggybacking off of that learning, the second takeaway I have from this experience is that we really must choose to see the good stuff. You might think it sounds stupid, but that's probably just because you haven't actually given it a try. It's a small, simple shift that could change your entire life. Seriously. We can pick out all the things that drive us off our rockers and be miserable for the rest of our lives, or--even in the presence of those not-so-great things--we can choose happiness and see something good. It's really that simple.

 

week 1

I did it, guys! This past Monday marks a full week of living in Aspen without training wheels (AKA my mom.)

We'll start with my living situation. First of all, in case you weren't already aware, rent is STUPIDLY expensive here in Aspen. I live a couple blocks down from a luxury mobile home community--trailer park just doesn't seem to do it justice. Wait, isn't that kind of an oxymoron, you ask? No. Not in Aspen. These places go for over twice as much as my real house back in MN. Nuts. Anyhoo, the universe was willing it because I managed to find an awesome roommate with an awesome condo after about three days of being in town. I'd like to think of her decoration style as 'rustic chic'--the place is seriously fabulous, you'll just have to come see for yourself. The best part so far? My bed came today so I can kiss the air mattress goodbye. Booya.

I've spent my time thus far working, getting my asanas on at yoga, exploring Aspen and meeting some super rad people along the way. Also, I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones--finally. And drinking a lot (but not too much, of course) of wine. Rough life, right?

My backyard is essentially Smuggler Mountain, which is a great spot for hiking and catching a great view of the city. My first solo attempt at hiking Smuggler was, to say the least, not pretty. It's a solid 1.4 mile hike to the viewpoint--which is well worth the trek--but if you're not acclimated, it's like 25 times harder, I swear. I was getting lapped left and right by all of these middle-aged people and senior citizens (no offense ya'll.) I quickly realized I'm the least in-shape person in Aspen. By a lot. (And probably poorest, which is neither here nor there, but it's true.) Also, my heart skipped about a million beats when I swear I saw a scorpion run across the path up ahead of me--it turned out to be a chipmunk. Fear quickly turned into adoration when I realized it was just a furry friend.

Anyhoo, I'll be honest--there are times when I'm having so much fun I don't even think about home, and then there are the times that I get so caught up in my insecurities and vulnerability I think it's game over for sure. Sometimes I feel like I could actually hop on a flight back to Minnesota--like when I pay eight dollars for ONE shot of Jose Cuervo at the bar (kidding but not...) or when I'm laying in bed at night without little Chuckie to cuddle with--but then I remember that change takes time. Don't get me wrong, I love everything about this place already from the people, to the scenery and to the small town vibe, but adjusting to a new place after having lived somewhere else for your entire life isn't easy. It's actually really, really hard--especially when you started off not knowing a soul. I'm scared to be here in a new place with new people and new experiences, but I'm even more scared to go back home, because I know if I do, I'll probably never get out on my own and do all of the cool sh*t I've always dreamed about. The easy thing to do would be to head back home where I'm more than comfortable, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I can't resist a challenge--I love a good one--and I know once I've gotten over all of the speed bumps (or humps, as the signs in CO say) I'll never want to leave. So stay I shall.

After all... if not now, when?