ego part II

Since I wrote my first post about ego a few months back, I've had a lot of time to let it marinate. Get to know my ego, if you will. And oh man, is she a bitch! She's seriously judgmental, cynical, reactive, insecure and power hungry (we're talking major power OVER people, not power from within) - among other less than lovely qualities. If she comes out to play, you better run and hide you guys. S-c-a-t-t-e-r. It's not pretty.

For the past few weeks, I've had this huge internal struggle going on in my head regarding my ego vs. my authentic self. Who's who? Is that me in there wanting to flip the bird to everyone driving at or below the speed limit (drive like you stole it) or is that my ego taking the wheel (quite literally)? I just don't always know how to tell. I'd like to think that I'm not my ego, but then again ego and true self cohabitate up in the noodle. The lines seem very blurred to me.

I mean, I'll be settling down into my space during yoga, and look over at the lovely human (who is of course, minding their own business) and size them up. "Oh, I bet she's super flexible. But so am I! Ha!" and, "Why is she warming up like we're about to suit up and take on the Green Bay Packers? This is Y-O-G-A my friend, not Superbowl Sunday. Get it together sister." Then, I catch myself. I take a moment to pause, breath deeply and give myself a nice mental slap across the face. And I remind myself everyone is doing the best that they can (myself included!) And then I start to soften. And then I remind myself once you get past the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the language we speak, the way we go about our lives, we are all more the same than we are different. And then I melt back into my humanity, heart cracked wide open, feeling guilty and like the most terrible human there ever was. This process happens anywhere from 28-57 times a day, on average.

So, I guess my question for anyone who may hold the answer is this: how do I know when my ego is talking vs. my true self? How do I differentiate the two? Can I completely dissect the two, labeling each part as belonging to one side or the other? Or is it messier than that - are there certain qualities of my ego that are inextricably woven into my true self and vice-versa?

I may never know for sure, but I have a feeling I'm off to a solid start with the unraveling my ego: I can recognize what I think is ego chatter, stop it, let it go and choose another thought. I'm starting to learn that it's a constant, life-long practice. That's for sure.

Namaste, you guys. xx

the unplug drug

(image via Jacki Carr & Britt Nemeth Photography)

The second they asked me to put my phone in the little blue berry basket my heart sunk a little. A million thoughts started racing through my mind: “How long am I going to be here? What if someone is trying to reach me? I won’t be able to take a picture. What if so”—STOP.  Just stop. In that moment, before we even got started, I realized I have a problem. I’m addicted to my phone. Like, can’t-leave-the-house-without-it, checking-to-see-if-I-have-a-new-notification-every-47-seconds, carry-a-charger-with-me-at-all-times (God forbid it dies) kind of addicted. Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem…right?

Even once the Bliss Rebellion started and my phone was out of reach, I thought about it. Incessantly. I had an itch that I couldn’t scratch because something that has admittedly become part of my being, in a sense, was (temporarily) gone. I mean, it was practically calling my name from across the room. I swear it. GROSS. I’m cringing just typing these words. All too often I get sucked into that tiny little screen and forget that there is life all around me. People. Nature. Places to see and things to do. Oy...

They dropped so many truth bombs in that hour – SO MANY. I was in sheer bliss as I laughed, listened and learned. As we dug deeper and deeper into our conversations about connection, disconnection and the unplug drug, I started to think about my phone a little less. And at the end of it all, it was the absolute last thing on my mind - I almost forgot to grab it on my way out. The wisdom these three ladies possess is awe-inspiring and their passion for sharing it is magical. If you haven’t heard about Rock Your Bliss, Folk Rebellion or the women behind the brands, Google it. Right now. Actually, I take that back. Do it the second you’re done reading this.

Anyways, they made me stare into the eyes of a complete stranger for one whole minute. Have you ever done this? It was longer than a microwave minute – hell, longer than a treadmill minute. I learned two things from this:

1.     Eye contact makes me wildly uncomfortable.
2.     I need a lot more of it in my life.

I was so uncomfortable with it at first that I was about to jump out of my own skin, but hey, nothing great ever comes out of a comfort zone. And, I’m alive. I’m here. I'm writing to you right now, so obviously I made it out of there in one piece. (Dramatic much?) All said and done, I’m glad I did it. It’s insane how something so simple can teach such a huge, impactful lesson. I mean, this is the root of all connection. Am I right? There is something so profound about making eye contact with someone – not just the fleeting, blink-of-an-eye and it’s over kind. I'm talkin' about the juicy, see-into-the-other-person's-soul kind of eye contact. Yeah, that. I think I made more eye contact in that one hour than I have in my entire life, and I had never felt more connected to a group of people I had only just met that day. And this all happened without my phone.

My phone is great. It allows me to keep in touch with all sorts of people I can’t see on a regular basis – and for that I love it. But it also has a way of distracting me and keeping me from being present when I AM around people, and for that I hate it. At the end of the day, though, I can’t place all the blame on my tiny little portable computer. I’m half of this equation too, and I have no problem owning it.

With that said, there need to be boundaries. I mean I’m on the phone with my parents - who I see way less than I would like to - and I’m trolling through my Instagram feed. Absolutely sick, I know. I even sleep with the damn thing about 5 inches from my head. No bueno.

So, it ends here. And no, I don’t mean I’m going to go completely analog and ditch my phone. But like I said, boundaries.

For one, when I am with people, my phone is away. Not sitting on my lap, or in my pocket, or wherever. It’s out of sight and out of mind. Non-negotiable. Feel free to slap me on the back of the head if you see me staring at a screen while I’m in good company.

Also, I will take (at least!) one hour a day to completely unplug – whether that’s yoga, hiking, reading, or anything and everything in between.

I will not use my phone, watch TV or anything else that involves a screen within an hour of my bedtime. Sorry late night Netflix marathons, we’re breaking up.

So, here's to diving into my REAL life and living less and less out of the one powered by LTE and Wi-Fi. Don't forget about lots and lots of eye contact. Yes, that too. Cheers!

intent

It's always a good day when I start off with time on my mat.

Yesterday, I went to my favorite studio in town--the Shakti Shala--to take a class from one of my favorite yoga goddesses and gurus, Jayne. You guys, she's the real deal. As usual, we set an intention at the beginning of class. I don't remember her exact words, and in not wanting to butcher them and take away from the profoundness of said words, I'm not going to paraphrase. But, like she tends to do, she spoke right to my heart; my core; my soul. I was amazed that, after the hundreds of yoga classes that I have taken in my lifetime, she was able to make something so routine seem so profound.

So, I set my intention. Instead of hastily picking something because I was told to, just as I have every other class preceding, I thought about it. I really, really thought about it. I took a nice swim in lake me and found something to dedicate my practice to that truly gave it meaning.

And, it changed my practice.

I'll be frank, it wasn't the best practice I've ever had. On my end, I've probably had much "better" classes. I didn't walk away from it feeling like a changed woman, nor did I master tittibhasana or mayurasana (what do you mean you don't know what those are? Lighten up, I'm only joking...)

For the first time ever, my practice was selfless. Each pose had a meaning and every breath was purposeful. I was energized in a way that I hadn't thought possible until I had time to soak it all in during savasana.

This got me thinking about what my life could look like if I took what I learned on my mat that day and applied it to the other 99.999% of my days. What if I set an intention, if I dedicated all of my efforts to something or someone outside of myself each morning? Hot damn. My mind is going crazy with the thought of all the bitchin' things that could come of it. It gets pretty boring always doing things for my own selfish purposes--at least in my opinion. I think it's time to mix it up and let selflessness take the reigns for awhile. My ego could use a breather, ha!

So, I'm going to experiment. I'm going to see where dedicating my time to someone or something that is near and dear to my heart can take me. I have a gut feeling it's going to be pretty extraordinary.

namaste, bitches.