why i choose to live in possibility

Humor me, will you? Take a moment right now to do a little inventory of that file cabinet in up in the attic (and by that I mean your noggin.) Dust off those manila file folders packed full of all those memories that for some reason have stood the test of time. Now, try and remember the last time that you truly, wholeheartedly, with-every-being-in-your-body believed and lived in possibility. It was your manifesto because you didn’t know what you didn’t know, or because you refused to have it any other way. Do you remember? Think real hard.

The point is, you probably don’t remember. I don’t really. Or it was so long ago that we’re talking unicorns are real, the Tooth Fairy so generously takes teeth for hard cash, Santa Claus somehow manages to shimmy down the chimney on the eve of December 24th every year kind of possibility – but unfortunately, we all grew up and eventually realized that it’s all a big hoax (or is it?)

It’s such a beautiful part of the human experience that we enter this world only knowing possibility.

But society has worn us down. The innocence bubbles we once floated around the world in have been popped, and we’ve since been conditioned to drag our feet around the dirt and dust while being incessantly bombarded with messages that tell us nasty lies like we’re not worthy, we don’t have enough time and we can’t have it all. But where the hell is the fun in that?!

I’m not saying I’ve been a Belieber, I mean believer, all this time (had to), but I’ve somehow always come back to possibility. I may have strayed in the direction of doubt and despair many a time, but you can be damn sure that I always make my way back to possibility. Pardon me for sounding like a broken record - you’ll understand if you’ve read my previous posts – but like most other things I choose to write about it’s a choice, and not only is it a choice but also a practice. It's also not the easy way, either. It's actually pretty difficult - it's choosing to believe despite what you've seen, experienced or been told time and time again. It's much easier to live inside the box comfort of your box - the familiar, the tried and true, the cozy know-your-limits kind of space.

Each and every day, we can wake up and live in possibility – we can believe it, we can breathe it, we can be it – or we can choose to be confined and defined by constraints and can’ts. Now, I’m not saying that by choosing to live in possibility that all your hopes and dreams will come true. Come on, now. I’m a realist – I really am. That’s completely silly. When we choose to live our possibility, we also have to choose to be OK when something doesn’t quite work out – we have to practice resilience as well. We have to trust that even though one door closed, there’s most likely a reason (i.e. you’re not ready) and that another door is sure to swing open, because one always does. We cannot let the not-right-nows and try-this-one-insteads break our spirit – we have to keep forging on with open minds and most importantly open hearts.

For me, always keeping a space in my heart and head for possibility – even in the seemingly darkest of times – keeps me alive. It keeps me curious. It keeps me chasing down all of the dreams that so many people have told me were just that, dreams, but I knew better than to believe it. It leads me right into the lap of opportunities I never imagined for myself before. And most importantly, it creates space for fun and imagination, because how dreadfully boring does life sound without those two? Absolutely unbearable, really.

I guess what I’m saying is believe in unicorns, you guys.

be kind, always. (please)

Yesterday at work (as most of you know I am currently at lululemon athletica ) I struck up conversation with another guest that was looking at pants. I had all these stories in my head of how it could be - I always prepare myself for worst case scenario so I'm not thrown off and move into reaction, rather than responding. I guess you could say it's my little resilience ritual. I don't want to say that I was surprised when I was met with a pleasant response, because that would give off the idea that I have lost faith in humanity and assume the worst in everyone I meet, which is not the case at all, but I was caught slightly off guard. Anyhoo...

It started as a typical conversation. I asked him what he was looking for, and I helped him track down what he needed. And then we got started talking about hockey, and it turned into what seemed like a 20 minute conversation. Not to take away the importance of the words that were exchanged, but I've already forgotten the specifics of what was said. That's not what I'll remember, it's the feeling I was left with. It's that he made eye contact with me, he listened to what I was saying, he treated me like an equal - he saw me as another human being, not just as the random Asian girl at the yoga pants store who rang him up. I felt respected, I felt valued.

And as he left he said, "Happy Holidays!" which is seemingly insignificant, but put a huge smile on my face and easily was the highlight of my day. He didn't have to say it - we had said our goodbyes and he was nearly out the door, but he did. How just plain kind and lovely.

This got me thinking. How many times have I not seen the person standing in front of me - the barista, the server, the person bagging my groceries, the person sitting next to me at the coffee shop? So many times, unfortunately. We talked about this in yoga teacher training, the fact that we tend to reduce people to these labels that help us to categorize people, to make sense of them. But I've come to realize that in doing so we dehumanize them - we don't see them for who and what they truly are: another human being - with feelings, needs, desires, hopes, dreams, insecurities and so on and so forth. And it's not personal - actually, it's exactly the opposite, it's about as impersonal as it gets. I'm not saying this is necessarily good or bad, it's just something that deserves awareness.

Although I may not always be aware when I'm doing this myself, I certainly can pick up on when it's happening to me. And as anyone who has experienced it knows, it does not feel good. No, not at all. And I don't ever want to be the reason someone's good day turns sour, or questions their own worth, or has a bade taste in their mouth or a pit in their stomach (this is very I am/you are, but that's a whole other topic.) I want to be the person who leaves everyone that walks into my presence feeling a little lighter and happier than when they left.

Of course, this isn't a switch that I can just flip on or off. It's a practice. It's a conscious choice to choose empathy, compassion and above all else kindness - which for me, is not always my gut reaction. It's taking the time to respond rather than react. It's a shift from attitude to gratitude. It's the courageous decision to say, "I see you and I hear you." It's saying hell yes to connection. And these aren't always gut reactions for me, but they're choices that I am wholeheartedly ready, willing and committed to making.

Happy holidays, you guys. Namaste!

learning to take my yoga off the mat

Today, I found myself sitting in traffic - 45 minutes of traffic, to be exact - the longest it has ever taken me to get home from work. Oy. I realize that this may be very middle of the road depending on geography, but when it takes me roughly 14 minutes and 38 seconds (I may or may not have timed it...more than once) without traffic. That's enough of a difference to make me blow a freaking gasket.

Normally, you'd pull up next to me in bumper to bumper traffic and I'm that chick who's flipping everybody and their mothers' off and swearing up a storm. I have serious road rage people, this is not a joke. I'm entirely serious.

But no, that was not me today. Today, I was that chick who had the volume on full blast, sun roof open (Minnesota fall-time, I love you) and was belting it out to some tunes. I was having a blast and I didn't care who knew - admittedly, I was banging some T Swift. No shame here.

After one week of yoga teacher training under my belt I've already started to feel a huge shift in the decisions I'm making in all aspects of my life. Some of these are small shifts made subconsciously that I barely notice, and others - like my decision not to flip out over traffic - are more significant and made with intention and purpose. In order to lead a more mindful, holistic life I'm putting the lessons I've learned on my mat into practice each and every day.

Through teacher training, more time on my mat and meeting more yogis who share the same passion as me I've come to realize that it's true - we are spiritual beings having a human experience. And as one of my favorite yoga teachers, Justyn, said in class last week (I'm paraphrasing the best I can, she speaks to it much better than this), things don't happen to us. They simply happen. And we have a choice to either let them alter the mood we're in, to disrupt our flow, or we can acknowledge them and let them go. It's so simple and yet so profound. Obviously, at the time she was teaching to a room full of yogis twisted into all different shapes on their mats, but this is something - like most things I've learned in yoga class - is applicable to the everyday.

In another class led by the same teacher, she talked about how we should be present in, and fall madly in love with, each and every moment. We need to learn to love the suffering, because in the next moment it will be gone. Yes, so much yes!

Even though I wasn't like, "Oh heck yes, traffic! I love this shit!" I was determined to make the most out of the inevitable. I accepted, before I even made it to the highway, that I would be sitting in traffic and I would NOT let it alter my post-yoga bliss. Nuh-uh, honey. I was going to jam in my car and I was going to embrace, and love, every second of it - and that's exactly what I did.

Remember these two things:

1. You always have a choice.

2. Be present to, and fall deeply in love with, every. single. moment.

courage, my dear heart

It's happening. It's really, truly, seriously happening. I'm about to embark on my dream (in a couple months), my personal legend for those Alchemist fans out there, and aside from a heart bursting with gratitude I am ripe with excitement, anticipation and pure joy. Wow. Deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Full disclosure, though? I'm also terrified. Nervous. Uncertain. Come January, I'll be hopping on a plane that will drop me off half way across the globe. I mean, there's an 18 hour time difference for ya. NBD.

On a moment by moment basis I'm constantly going back and forth between "hell yes!" and "hello no!" I’m giving myself whiplash, man. Big time.

The past few days, months really, I’ve had one question lingering at the back of my mind: why am I doing this? The first thing that popped into my mind is duh, because I love to travel. I want to see the world. While yes, that’s true, I wasn’t satisfied with that answer. It wasn’t…whole enough. It just didn’t fit. There’s more to it than that, but what?

I just didn’t know. I sat down to noodle it and work it out in writing, and I ended up staring at a blank Word doc for what seemed like hours (but was probably five minutes, tops.) So, as I usually do when I come to a block in my writing, I take to Instagram for a scroll or twenty - I know, I know - and I stumbled upon this:

image via @iamhertribe

I want to live a fuck yes life (don't you?).

Find adventure around every corner.

Explore new cities.

Meet fascinating people.

Pursue what sets my soul on fire.

Yes. That’s exactly what I want, and this exactly why I've chosen to take time to travel - to live my fuck yes life. I like to think of this next endeavor as connecting another dot in the long, zig-zagged path that will eventually connect somewhere down the road. As Brene Brown talks about in Rising Strong, I’m choosing courage over comfort.

Cheers to saying fuck yes, you guys.

(And sorry for all the F bombs!)

ego

I'm not exactly talking about the song by Beyonce, but I'm not exactly NOT talking about it either. But for real, let's talk ego.

Whoa there. Ego, you say? What ego? I've often labeled others as having "big" egos, but never really considered myself as an egotistical person. Honestly, I never really acknowledged the fact that I have one until recently - as in like, yesterday. We all have one whether we'd like to own it or not. Egos come in all different shapes, sizes and flavors if you know what I mean. I'm not sure where the disconnect has been all these years, but since I've made an effort to date myself (the irony of including this in a post about ego is not lost on me, but I swear it's NOT what it sounds like - I'll explain in another post) I've come to get to know my ego really, really well. I'm no narcissist, and I don't consider myself cocky, self-involved or anything else that is typically associated with egotism, but I have an ego nonetheless. I'm only human, after all.

We're about to get real here, people. Brace yourselves.

Sometimes I wonder why a guy would dare to date another girl over me. It's not uncommon for me to get a little envious when someone is better at something than I am. A lot of times I wonder why I don't have a butt load of likes on my Instagram pic. I ALWAYS wonder why I didn't get hired for the job and someone else did. I can get so broody over why someone should be choosing me, thinking about me, praising me, etc. that I forget about the world around me, that their are other people out there. I get a little obsessive - neurotic, if you will.

HELLO. There's real stuff going on out there and WAY more important things to be thinking about. C'mon girl. Get your shit together - this isn't The Jenna Show.

Yesterday when I was out for my morning hike, I reached the top of the trail and was faced with a stupidly beautiful view of Aspen Mountain. Ajax loomed over me like this magic, miraculous, all-powerful kind of force. Yeah, you could say some instant humbling went down. Ego, deflated. All of the sudden my problems, my insecurities, my worries didn't seem so big, so bad. I think as humans we tend to get so involved in ourselves, in each other, in our day-to-day lives that we forget we're not the only ones out there - that we're just a small piece of the puzzle that is the universe.

So, next time my ego tries to take the wheel, I'll remember the mountains. If I didn't hit this point home already, I don't think there's anything wrong with an ego. It's innate, it's something inherent to being human. I just think it's important to recognize when my ego is inflating a little too much and adjust accordingly. That's all. If you're with me when this happens and I fail to recognize or do something about it, call me out yo! Give my ego a solid smacking until I come back down to earth. Don't let me get away with that shit. I give you full permission, because you can be sure that I'll be doing the same for you.

Namaste, bitches. xx

about that comfort zone

A comfort zone is a beautiful thing. It feels like home. It’s the cozy, familiar cushion that we all cling to, to a certain degree. We all have one and we all need one. It’s a safe space we can come back to over and over again, to regroup, to recharge, to relax and whatever else we may need.

Having lived quite far outside the boundaries my own personal CZ for the past year, I’ve started to think of coming home as slipping back into the cushy and familiar – but it doesn’t have to be. At one point in my life – not that long ago to be honest – all I wanted was consistency. I craved routine and clung to it like it was the only thing that would keep my head above water. My daily routine typically consisted of: yoga, work, Netflix, sleep, repeat. And that’s kind of it. I know – SO boring.

Now, I’m doing everything I can to push myself farther and farther outside of the familiar each and every day. I fear anything even remotely habitual – the last thing I want to do is go through the motions, to feel like I’m on repeat. So, upon moving home at the end of this month (my god, when did August get here?) I’m going to actively challenge myself to not fall back into my old routines, to cling to the already-been-dones. Not to say I won’t spend time with old friends, eat at my favorite restaurants, peruse the usual bars, have my yoga-work-Netflix-sleep days – because let’s be real here – I’ll absolutely do all of those things, but I’m also going to mix it up. A lot.

I’ve always thought of adventure as synonymous with travel, but I’ve come to realize that there’s always adventure to be found if you’re open to looking for it. You don’t have to backpack in New Zealand for the better part of a year or move to a remote mountain town to fill your days with adventure (although I plan on the first aforementioned and have already checked the latter off of my bucket list.) True, I did spend 21ish years growing up in the great (and at times impossibly cold) state of Minnesota, but there are still so many nooks and crannies left to explore, so many rad people to get to know, so much room for ACTIVITIES (only avid Step Brothers/Will Ferrell fans will get that reference.) AH! I’m all excited just thinking about it.

I’ve been on a huge personal growth-spurt the past year, and I’d like to continue that. I also like to think that I’ve come to see the world through a different lens – with more gratitude, compassion, openness to possibility and diversity, humility (if you wanna talk humility, move to a place where you literally don’t know anyone,) and an all-around softer lens than before. Truth bomb: I used to be (and still can be) a little rough around the edges at times. I’m workin’ on it people. But seriously, I'm itching to get to know the city, the state, that will always be home for me in this new lens - and to get the absolute most out of this homecoming. I'm making a promise right MEOW to myself that I will make the most out of it, because who knows how long I'll be there. I've got big plans, yo.

I’m a perpetual student of life, and I never want to stop learning about what I have to offer the world or what the world has to offer me. Let's see what the next leg of the journey has in store for me. See you in a jiffy, my Minnesotans. I have missed you so!

Stay curious and never stop exploring, you guys. xx

feeling all the feels

Whenever I've been asked to describe my ideal life - the vision I have for it - I always go for something along the lines of: two dogs, a sexy (and fast!) car, a hunky hubby, a baller job, a spacious pad, tons of travel, etc.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this. I think knowing exactly what you want is a huge thing - it's a sign that you've thought about the future, you've thought about what you need to do to get what you want and you (probably) have your sh*t together.

Bottom line, I've never been asked how I want to FEEL. And I've definitely never been advised to make my life decisions, choose that fork in road, step outside of my comfort zone, based on those feelings - until now. #gamechanger. Danielle LaPorte, ladies and gents. She is the reigning queen of truth bombs, let me tell ya. I've been digging into her book The Fire Starter Sessions and oh man, has she got my full attention.

So, I wrote down all the things I want to feel. This includes (but is certainly not limited to): playful, free, generous, thoughtful, creative, adventurous, loved, worthy, and the list goes on - for like 23 more words. And then, I stared at that piece of paper - for how long, I'm not sure. A good long while. And I started to see a different kind of future - one that is way more aligned with who I am at my core, my soul, than ever before. And DAMN it felt good. It was awesome and blissful and exciting all rolled into one.

In the book she has you go through a few steps to narrow it down and hone in on what you're really trying to feel, and which ones are most important to you. So, I whittled down my list of all the feels I want to feel each and every day: creative, confident, playful, connected and generous. Boom. I'm excited just thinking about the blissful combination these five feelings stir up inside of me.

Then, something happened. I fucked up - major. Like an ENORMOUS fuck up. (Sorry for all the F bombs, you guys - but I think it's completely necessary to hit my point home.) I felt horrible, embarrassed, guilty, and even physically sick - but instead of suppressing all of it, I owned it. I made it my bitch, and I came out the other side feeling like I could conquer the world - more empowered than ever. This mistake was my wake up call, my earth-shattering light bulb moment. By feeling the dead opposite of my ideal state of mind, a flip switched in my head. Just like that, I realized that I have the choice to never feel this way again - and that I also have the choice to feel all those juicy feelings I so crave. It was no coincidence that I had been reading this book by Danielle Laporte - not at all. I was meant to read it exactly when I did, I'm sure of it.

I've said this before, but I am ready to live in choice, to reach my full potential, to live and breathe my dream life each and every day - and I think this is exactly how I'm going to get there. I am 5000% up to the challenge of aligning my thoughts with my actions and being in complete integrity with all of it - including holding myself accountable despite speed bumps and roadblocks that are sure to pop up along the way. I will actively pursue how I want to feel and make decisions based on my fab five: playful, connected, generous, confident and creative. And if I come across something that isn't going to get me to my dream boat, something that feels all wrong, I'll know that it wasn't meant for me. I will let it go with grace and continue to seek out what's seeking me, if you know what I mean.

I mean, just sharing this blog post with you guys has gotten me all excited - I'm hitting all five in one fell swoop. Look at me, making progress 'n shiiiii.

the unplug drug

(image via Jacki Carr & Britt Nemeth Photography)

The second they asked me to put my phone in the little blue berry basket my heart sunk a little. A million thoughts started racing through my mind: “How long am I going to be here? What if someone is trying to reach me? I won’t be able to take a picture. What if so”—STOP.  Just stop. In that moment, before we even got started, I realized I have a problem. I’m addicted to my phone. Like, can’t-leave-the-house-without-it, checking-to-see-if-I-have-a-new-notification-every-47-seconds, carry-a-charger-with-me-at-all-times (God forbid it dies) kind of addicted. Hey, the first step is admitting you have a problem…right?

Even once the Bliss Rebellion started and my phone was out of reach, I thought about it. Incessantly. I had an itch that I couldn’t scratch because something that has admittedly become part of my being, in a sense, was (temporarily) gone. I mean, it was practically calling my name from across the room. I swear it. GROSS. I’m cringing just typing these words. All too often I get sucked into that tiny little screen and forget that there is life all around me. People. Nature. Places to see and things to do. Oy...

They dropped so many truth bombs in that hour – SO MANY. I was in sheer bliss as I laughed, listened and learned. As we dug deeper and deeper into our conversations about connection, disconnection and the unplug drug, I started to think about my phone a little less. And at the end of it all, it was the absolute last thing on my mind - I almost forgot to grab it on my way out. The wisdom these three ladies possess is awe-inspiring and their passion for sharing it is magical. If you haven’t heard about Rock Your Bliss, Folk Rebellion or the women behind the brands, Google it. Right now. Actually, I take that back. Do it the second you’re done reading this.

Anyways, they made me stare into the eyes of a complete stranger for one whole minute. Have you ever done this? It was longer than a microwave minute – hell, longer than a treadmill minute. I learned two things from this:

1.     Eye contact makes me wildly uncomfortable.
2.     I need a lot more of it in my life.

I was so uncomfortable with it at first that I was about to jump out of my own skin, but hey, nothing great ever comes out of a comfort zone. And, I’m alive. I’m here. I'm writing to you right now, so obviously I made it out of there in one piece. (Dramatic much?) All said and done, I’m glad I did it. It’s insane how something so simple can teach such a huge, impactful lesson. I mean, this is the root of all connection. Am I right? There is something so profound about making eye contact with someone – not just the fleeting, blink-of-an-eye and it’s over kind. I'm talkin' about the juicy, see-into-the-other-person's-soul kind of eye contact. Yeah, that. I think I made more eye contact in that one hour than I have in my entire life, and I had never felt more connected to a group of people I had only just met that day. And this all happened without my phone.

My phone is great. It allows me to keep in touch with all sorts of people I can’t see on a regular basis – and for that I love it. But it also has a way of distracting me and keeping me from being present when I AM around people, and for that I hate it. At the end of the day, though, I can’t place all the blame on my tiny little portable computer. I’m half of this equation too, and I have no problem owning it.

With that said, there need to be boundaries. I mean I’m on the phone with my parents - who I see way less than I would like to - and I’m trolling through my Instagram feed. Absolutely sick, I know. I even sleep with the damn thing about 5 inches from my head. No bueno.

So, it ends here. And no, I don’t mean I’m going to go completely analog and ditch my phone. But like I said, boundaries.

For one, when I am with people, my phone is away. Not sitting on my lap, or in my pocket, or wherever. It’s out of sight and out of mind. Non-negotiable. Feel free to slap me on the back of the head if you see me staring at a screen while I’m in good company.

Also, I will take (at least!) one hour a day to completely unplug – whether that’s yoga, hiking, reading, or anything and everything in between.

I will not use my phone, watch TV or anything else that involves a screen within an hour of my bedtime. Sorry late night Netflix marathons, we’re breaking up.

So, here's to diving into my REAL life and living less and less out of the one powered by LTE and Wi-Fi. Don't forget about lots and lots of eye contact. Yes, that too. Cheers!

what aspen has taught me about loving my life

I'm going to start off with a disclaimer of sorts: most of you will think I'm crazy for some of the stuff I'm about to say next. You've been warned.

I've learned A LOT since I moved out to this magical little place called Aspen - about people, about myself, about adulting, about life in general. Above all else, I've learned how to live life - and love it.

Having talked to people that have lived in Aspen for decades, people who have just recently moved here, and people that are from all over the world, I've gathered one important piece of information: everyone is here because they want to be. Nobody ends up in Aspen because they were forced to, or because they're stuck and they can't seem to get out. I mean, come on. How often do you stumble upon a place like this? Pretty much never.

With that said, as you can imagine, that creates a very special--for lack of a better word--vibe. People in Aspen are here for one reason: to do what they love - which makes for a town full of very happy people. They're not living to work, but working to live (as cheesy as that sounds.) When you meet someone in Aspen, the conversation always starts off with, "What do you do here?" but no one's wondering what pays your bills - they're curious about what you do for fun, for you. No one gives a shit if you're waiting tables, bar tending or looking after someone else's kids. None of that matters - it's all about how you're living your life. On any given day, I chat with people who just got back from skiing their way through Europe, backpacking throughout Southeast Asia or something equally as rad and exciting. Talk about life envy, am I right? I've never felt more inspired to pursue what I love to do, what lights me up, than when I moved to Aspen.

I mean, that's what you're supposed to do. Go to school, graduate, get a job and work your way up to a six figure salary...right? WRONG. So wrong. (Unless that's what you want to do.)

Guys, I've realized that I can create a life that I truly love and have all of those adventures, too - and so can you. I don't have to be married to my job, work six days a week and move my way up to a job where I sit behind a desk all day and call the shots - I can choose happiness instead.

I'm not saying everyone should quit their job, move out to a tiny ski town and party their asses off every day. And I'm not saying that we should shirk all of our responsibilities. But by all means, if that's what you want, I highly encourage you to do that. No judgement here.

What I'm saying is DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY and don't forget to really live your life. We must have adventures when we're young so that we can tell stories when we're old, right? There's nothing worse than going through the motions and being miserable while doing it. If that's crunching numbers and wearing a suit and tie to work every day, then do it. If that's scooping ice cream and laying on the beach all day, get after it. If that's teaching people how to ski and getting 100+ days out on the mountain each season, hell yeah.  You don't have to be a weekend warrior, counting down the seconds until Friday every single week. Don't sit behind a desk and stare at a computer screen just because you think that's what you should be doing. Live a little, guys. If you're going to do something that you're not super jazzed about, at least take plenty of time to do what you really love.

So, I'm letting go of all the "shoulds." All of the preconceived notions about what my career should be or how I should build my life. I may move to Fiji and work on a cacao farm. I may travel through New Zealand and pick up odd jobs. I may complete a yoga teacher training in an exotic country. But that's just what I would do...what makes you happy and gets you excited to be alive? Think about it. I have my whole life to settle down into a desk job - so I'm going to do everything that's calling me NOW and then look to settle down with responsibility later.

Make a list of all the things that make you happy. Make a list of all the things you do every day. Compare. Adjust accordingly. (Thanks for that advice, Jacki Carr.)

Namaste, bitches.

intent

It's always a good day when I start off with time on my mat.

Yesterday, I went to my favorite studio in town--the Shakti Shala--to take a class from one of my favorite yoga goddesses and gurus, Jayne. You guys, she's the real deal. As usual, we set an intention at the beginning of class. I don't remember her exact words, and in not wanting to butcher them and take away from the profoundness of said words, I'm not going to paraphrase. But, like she tends to do, she spoke right to my heart; my core; my soul. I was amazed that, after the hundreds of yoga classes that I have taken in my lifetime, she was able to make something so routine seem so profound.

So, I set my intention. Instead of hastily picking something because I was told to, just as I have every other class preceding, I thought about it. I really, really thought about it. I took a nice swim in lake me and found something to dedicate my practice to that truly gave it meaning.

And, it changed my practice.

I'll be frank, it wasn't the best practice I've ever had. On my end, I've probably had much "better" classes. I didn't walk away from it feeling like a changed woman, nor did I master tittibhasana or mayurasana (what do you mean you don't know what those are? Lighten up, I'm only joking...)

For the first time ever, my practice was selfless. Each pose had a meaning and every breath was purposeful. I was energized in a way that I hadn't thought possible until I had time to soak it all in during savasana.

This got me thinking about what my life could look like if I took what I learned on my mat that day and applied it to the other 99.999% of my days. What if I set an intention, if I dedicated all of my efforts to something or someone outside of myself each morning? Hot damn. My mind is going crazy with the thought of all the bitchin' things that could come of it. It gets pretty boring always doing things for my own selfish purposes--at least in my opinion. I think it's time to mix it up and let selflessness take the reigns for awhile. My ego could use a breather, ha!

So, I'm going to experiment. I'm going to see where dedicating my time to someone or something that is near and dear to my heart can take me. I have a gut feeling it's going to be pretty extraordinary.

namaste, bitches.

fearless

adjective 1. without fear; bold or brave; intrepid.

I've never considered myself fearless. Out of all the times I've had to describe myself in three words or give my 30 second elevator speech, it has never made the cut. It has never even crossed my mind, really.

Lately, the word has taken on an entirely different meaning. Let's be honest, there isn't a human being on this planet that is truly without fear. If you say that you are, I don't believe you.  Whether you're young or old, American or Chinese, rich or poor, an introvert or extrovert, we all have something that scares us, that gives us pause--if only for a moment. To me, fearless means choosing to take chances and make decisions despite not knowing what may come, or perhaps knowing exactly what's ahead; It's choosing to change, grow and learn regardless of whatever fears or woes you may have.

With that being said, I guess I could consider myself a whole lot more fearless--but there's always room for growth. Sure, there are times when I've thrown caution to the wind or gone with my heart instead of my head, but I can think of just as many or more times when I made, or didn't make, a decision out of fear. Fear of not being enough, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of uncertainty and the list goes on. Not to say that fear is always the masked villain, the antagonist, because it can also be useful, but it's all about being aware of where you stand in the face of fear. Fear has been playing a much bigger role in my life than I ever realized and here's what I have to say about it: fuck it.

In my mind, vulnerability is one of the best, most sensible, yet hardest ways to combat fear. But when is the right thing ever the easiest? Being vulnerable is not something that I'm good at. I fear all of the aforementioned, so I tend to build walls, make assumptions and come to a conclusion about something often times before it has even started. I'm so emotionally constipated that I either say things that I don't mean to divert the attention away from my true feelings, or not even raise my voice at all. Enough with all of that.

So, I will keep a close eye on my fears, always taking them into consideration but never letting them hold me back. I will love without the expectation of being loved in return. I will take risks without certainty of reward. I will say exactly what I feel and mean without knowing what will be said in return. I will live, not just exist, because I am fearless.

Namaste, bitches.

just let go

I have this vision in my head of how my life is supposed to play out: where I'll live, what I'll do for a living, who my friends will be, who I'll fall in love with and even what I'll name my two dogs (Sean and Gus.) As time goes by and I'm not "on track" with what I've imagined, or certain aspects of my life stray from the plan, I get a little neurotic. I'm pretty sure I've talked about how I'm a planner, often to a fault, in a previous post or two. Some of you can relate to that, right?

I've started to realize trying to stick so steadfastly to the path I think I should be on is getting in the way of well, life. Of serendipity, happenstance, surprise and delight, spontaneity and ultimately happiness. I'm constantly trying to create space for these big, benchmark moments that may or may not even happen, while being blind to things that are going on all around me each and every day.

In short, what I'm trying to say is that sometimes I forget to live. I forget to be open to new people, places, experiences and even ideas. I forget to be grateful. I forget to have big belly laughs. I forget to be myself. I get so caught up in ego, want and desire that I let beautiful moments pass me by, perhaps never to come my way again. I'm a true believer in that, what was meant for me will never miss me, and that what misses me was never meant for me, but I also believe that something can only change your life if you let it, if you're open to it.

Like I've mentioned before, I believe that everything happens, or doesn't, for a reason. I believe that timing is everything--when something is supposed to work itself out, it will. For example, I'm planting the seeds and putting what I want out into the universe but I've just recently realized that there's no rush. This is really hard for me because I'm not exactly patient. I search for instant gratification and I like things to move along at a steady pace. That's just the way I'm wired, I guess. I wouldn't go as far to say that I believe in destiny, but I believe that what is meant to be will be. What matters most isn't what might or could be, but what is right here and now. It's all about finding that balance between trusting the universe to give back to you what you put out and being happy with exactly where you are right now.

So, here's to letting go of the life I think I should be living and diving into the one that I am living.

namaste, bitches.

new perspective

Colorado is home to many rad things, and as it turns out winter just happens to be one of them.

After spending 22 winters in Minnesota, I had pretty much written winter off forever. Minnesota winter had 22 chances to win over my heart and failed miserably. The final straw was last winter when I found myself walking across campus to classes in -20some degrees windchill because we had so many days off due to extreme cold (i.e. -50 degrees) that -20 was no longer "that cold." No thank you, mother nature. No thank you.

I thoroughly enjoy leaving my house without the fear of frostbite. It's a good, warm, fuzzy feeling. If I still owned a car, I would enjoy not fearing that the doors won't open or the car itself wouldn't start due to stupidly low temps. Today I even ventured out to Smuggler and embarked on my first winter hike--which is no biggie for anyone who's a true Aspenite--but is a huge deal for this chick from the tundra. Participating in outdoor activities during the winter besides pond hockey? It's practically unheard of.

My favorite part about winter in Colorado? The SUN. It's a crazy concept for me, since we so very rarely are blessed with the yellow round guy in the sky during winters back home. It's true what they say: It's always sunny in Colorado. Nobody has SAD here or needs a happy lamp, there's plenty of vitamin D to go around all winter. It's simply fantastic.

I guess the point of me telling you this story is two-fold, the first reason being I wanted to share my new found love of the chillier months after having such a disdain for it all of my life. It's crazy how something I've dreaded for so many years can turn into a beautiful thing--it's refreshing to get a new perspective. The second reason being a little shameless self promotion to get some visitors out here. My couch is always open, you guys! I love when people come and see me : )

namaste, bitches. xo

come alive

This.

In 2015, it is my mission to pursue what makes me come alive. It's mind blowing to think of how different the world be if everyone did exactly what they loved. For me, this is writing and traveling. Not just writing and traveling as two separate entities, but writing about my travels. To me, they are two halves of a whole. I can't think of a time when I was more inspired to write and share my thoughts, feelings and experiences with the world than when I spent a semester abroad in Europe. I was just as excited to write about my travels as I was to physically participate them. I think it's the excitement of trying something for the first time or the unique experiences that inevitably come along with traveling that I'm drawn to. Ask me to speak in front of a group? I'm breaking out in hives, stuttering and popping a double dose of my anxiety meds. Ask me to write something? I'll write you a freaking novel. #nerdalert

What does this look like for me, exactly? Starting with baby steps, the first one being exactly this: putting what I want out into the universe. Check.

Next? Writing more. Over the last few months I've been really good at making excuses about why I'm not writing, including: "I'm too busy," "I'm too tired," and "I don't have anything interesting to write about." Wrong, all wrong. After an inspirational conversation with one of the coolest humans I've ever met, I was reminded that I should be writing every day. Writing is like a muscle; if you don't use it, you lose it. It's something that I am committing to every single day from here on out, whether it's a paragraph or a page. Don't worry, I won't be using this as my public, online diary. I'll spare you all the behind-the-scenes writing and save the good stuff (or at least what I think is the good stuff) for the blog. Promise.

Having things to write about is also a slightly important piece of this puzzle. This means breaking out of my dailey routine (ha, see what I did there? Bad joke...) and constantly putting myself in a position where I'm vulnerable and open to new experiences each and every day, not just when I have big plans. I tend to find a routine that works for me--no matter how boring and mundane it may be--and sticking to it. I find myself playing it safe and thinking twice, more often three or four times, about straying from what I'm used to. Well, that's all about to change. Bring on the spontaneity and open-mindedness. I'm ready for ya.

What comes after steps one, two and three? I have lots of ideas, but there's nothing set in stone. I have a gut feeling that I'll know exactly when I'm supposed to. I say that not because I'm lazy and expect amazing things to just fall into my lap, but because I believe in timing. I believe that everything happens for a reason, that opportunities aren't presented to you before you're ready (whether you believe you are or not) and that the dots always connect down the road.

Cheers to doing what makes us come alive. Let's see where this takes me.

Namaste, bitches.

a year in reflection: 2014

Ahh, another year in the books. Seriously, did 2014 go by even faster than 2013? I'm scared that I'll blink and it will be 2056, which is why I'm taking the time to reflect on the last year and express my gratitude for all of the kick ass experiences I was so lucky to have.

The first that comes to mind was opening the lululemon at the Edina Galleria. It was a blast getting to experience a new store opening and be a part of the whole process. The best part? The amazing group of lemons that I now consider my family--I miss you all every single day. You changed my life, truly.

Next up is graduation--it's hard to believe that I'm coming up on a full year of being a post grad this spring. Oy. I wouldn't go as far to say that college was the best four years of my life, because I have way too much time ahead of me to say that the best years of my life are behind me, but it was F-U-N. I made countless questionable decisions, but you can be sure I always (eventually) came out on top. I met some of the coolest humans that I now call my best friends and the distance from my childhood and high school friends strengthened and deepened our relationships more than I could have ever imagined. I suppose I did a little studying here and there too, ha! I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it, but at the same time you couldn't pay me to do it all again.

Not too long after graduating, I celebrated turning 22 surrounded by all of my favorite people--it was definitely a benchmark birthday. It still makes me smile thinking about all of the people who made it special.

Then, Aspen happened. I knew from the start that moving to a town I had never been before and where I didn't know a soul was going to be a life changing experience--and boy is it ever. I've gotten to live in one of the most beautiful places in the world and not one second of it has been lost on me. I'm grateful every single day for this rare opportunity and the support from my family that without, none of this would be possible. Through truly living on my own for the first time and working with yet another amazing group of lemons (seriously, how did I get so lucky?!) I have learned more about myself and how to be a human being in the real world than I ever thought was possible. It hasn't all been easy, in fact at times it has been really fucking hard, but I think that the best things in life are fought for. Right? My days left here in Aspen may be numbered (that number is still up in the air), but I have never once doubted that I was meant to come to Aspen and that this is exactly where I need to be at this time in my life. Aspen will always be my home away from home.

With that being said, I'm going into 2015 with an open mind. I have no resolutions. All I'm committing to is staying true to my intentions of always trusting my gut, strengthening my relationships and doing what makes me happy, all of which I'm carrying over from 2014. I have complete faith in the universe that I will experience exactly what was meant for me in the coming year and that anything that misses me was not meant for me.

Here's to the adventure ahead that is 2015. Cheers!

that full moon though

We've all--perhaps tirelessly--heard the phrase "enjoy the little things" or a similar adaptation. Well, the little things are the best. Seriously. I've loved that saying ever since the first time I laid eyes on it, but I don't think I truly put it into practice or appreciated its true 'essence,' if you will, until now. It only took me 22 years and moving to a new town in a another state where I didn't know a soul.

When you're constantly living and breathing outside of your comfort zone, you begin to notice things you probably wouldn't have noticed otherwise or that you constantly take for granted. The other night I was walking home from a night out on the town and I couldn't help but ogle over the full moon. Sure, I've seen countless full moons, but that night I really couldn't a.) stop talking about it, b.) stop staring at it or c.) stop smiling. I mean I had this huge, toothy grin on my face and I was blabbing about it for the whole walk home--my friend must have wanted to duct tape my mouth shut or just completely knock me out. Oh, and don't even get me started on those stars. It was like I had never seen either of them before. The reason why I'm even writing about this now is that I truly don't remember the last time I took the time to look up at a starry sky and appreciate its beauty. It was breathtaking.

The next day when I woke up, I still had those damn stars and full moon on my mind. This got me to thinking about all of those other things that I may have been missing out on or not fully appreciating, and the list I came up with was truly infinite: The check-in texts from friends and family, people smiling as we pass on a trail or on the streets, the baristas at Peach's asking for--and proceeding to remember--my name, a good book, my brother offering to pick me up from the airport, etc.

Although small, when strung together these seemingly tiny things evolve into one big, continuous streak of happy. An endless supply of warm fuzzies--and who doesn't want that, right? Sometimes I get caught up in looking for those grand gestures that will take my breath away or flip my world upside down, but really they may never happen and that's just not a sustainable way to enjoy life.

The little things are happening all the time, everywhere you turn, you just have to be paying enough attention to see them. The choice is yours.

self love

Yep. Self love. I need A LOT more of that in my life. (No, not that kind. I know at least some of you went there.)

Self love is a term that I've come to be very familiar with throughout my journey into yoga and from following some of the brightest and most compassionate yogis like Jacki Carr and Mary Beth LaRue. Although it's something I've been hearing for years and is always at the back of my mind, it's something that I've never put into practice.

I've found that, like many other things, self love is a lot easier said than done--at least for me. Brace yourself, because I'm going to be awkwardly, brutally, terribly honest: I don't love myself. I really, really don't. I can never live up to the standards I set for myself and nothing I ever do is good enough. Quite honestly, I could go on forever: I'm not pretty enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm simply not enough--not for myself, not for anyone. Well, shit. What good does this kind of thinking do me? Absolutely none at all.

The turning point? Taking a moment to slow down and think about the past several months and realizing that I wasn't proud of myself for graduating college or moving to Aspen. Wtf? I've gotten to the point where I'm not satisfied with ANYTHING that I do, and these are definitely things that anyone else would and should be ecstatic about.

What's the root of this problem? Looking for happiness in others--which, as it turns out, isn't a sustainable way to be happy. It's actually exhausting, fleeting and ultimately just makes me miserable. Not to say that others can't and don't contribute to my happiness, but true happiness is something that I have to find within myself and allow myself to have.

Well, enough with all of these fucking not-enoughs. I'm more than ready to be happy and, even though it pains me to say it, I deserve it. I do.

It's a slow process--definitely baby steps--but I'm learning that it's OK to be happy with myself, to be proud of something that I did or that I created. I'm trying to teaching myself that I won't burst into flames if I acknowledge myself for something I did. Being happy with myself doesn't inherently make make me conceited, it doesn't make me smug, it doesn't make me selfish. It just makes me happy.

With that said, here's a little test run on self love: I acknowledge myself not only for being vulnerable (which is another thing I'm currently working on 'cause no one likes talking to a brick wall, right?) and writing down my darkest, innermost feelings in this post, but also for the fact that I'm taking time to write, which is something that is in my goals and is extremely important to me, but not always a priority.

Boom. I did it.

Cheers to self love, guys. Peace 'n blessings.

choose to see the good stuff

How much happier do you think we'd all be if we just shifted the way we looked at things? At the world?

Yesterday, I stood in line and couldn't help but eavesdrop on a father and daughter standing behind me. They bitched and moaned for probably 20 minutes--if not 30 or 40 (the line was reaaally long.) They complained about the buses not coming early, they complained about what people were--or weren't--wearing, they complained about how many people there were, and the list goes on. Honestly, it's a much shorter list to tell you what they didn't complain about than what they did.

Usually this kind of thing would affect my mood and I myself would start to complain and point out all the things that were wrong in that very moment--but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was going to have fun, god damnit. The sun was shining, I was spending some quality time with two of my favorite people and was about to hop on a bus to one of the most beautiful spots in Aspen. And then there's the simple fact that we're in Aspen--one of the most beautiful places in the world. What the hell is there to be miserable about? Nothing.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing these two people were complaining about matter even the slightest, but they let it. I realized that instead of reporting back to their loved ones about how perfect the weather was, how beautiful the scenery was or how much fun they had with each other, they would probably talk about everything they had been complaining about all morning--and that made me sad.

This got me thinking...

I really do have control over my life. I have choice--I always have choice. I can choose to take on the negative emotions and feelings of people around me--or other things I cannot control--and let it ruin my day, or not. My happiness is just that--mine--and it doesn't have to depend on other peoples'.

Piggybacking off of that learning, the second takeaway I have from this experience is that we really must choose to see the good stuff. You might think it sounds stupid, but that's probably just because you haven't actually given it a try. It's a small, simple shift that could change your entire life. Seriously. We can pick out all the things that drive us off our rockers and be miserable for the rest of our lives, or--even in the presence of those not-so-great things--we can choose happiness and see something good. It's really that simple.

 

take a f*cking chance

For the entirety of my life I've played it (pretty) safe. I opted out of trying out for the U19 World Junior Ultimate Championships for no good reason at all. I chose not to apply for several "dream" schools for practical reasons. I chose to go to school close to home at the University of Minnesota--my last choice out of eight schools--for again, practical reasons. Even my dreams have been on the safe side until recently. B-o-r-i-n-g.

Now that I've graduated and spent some time at home in my mom's basement, I've come to the realization: I need to start dreaming BIG. Why not? Everyone's always telling me to dream big--and I'm like yeah, well duh, why wouldn't I?--but I haven't actually been putting it into practice. I always say I'll do things but let's be honest, that means nothing if I'm not DOING them. This is changing. Now.

The first step: Writing down my goals. Check. You're seriously going to hate me for saying this, but I have to. It's so true. A goal is a dream with a deadline. There, I said it. (Sorry I'm not really sorry.) My goals are essentially a check list that keeps me hungry, ambitious and hold me accountable. They're the metaphorical ladder that leads to my (hopefully) not-so-metaphorical dream life. (Again, super cheesy. This time I really am sorry.)

The second step: Putting what I want out into the world. Check. I'm not usually one to talk for hours on end about myself--I'd rather hear what others have to say--but when you say what you want out loud and to others, things start to fall into place. It's seriously almost magical. It's ok to talk about and ask for what you want. Really. (This is a new concept for me.)

This is where my dream starts to grow it's roots. Long story short, I did exactly that. I shared my vision and goals with people and BOOM, things started to move forward slowly but surely. The next thing I know, I'm talking with the Store Managers of lululemon athletica Vail and Aspen. Nothing super serious or indicative yet, but still super awesome. (I've had goals to relocate to Colorado for quite some time now.)

Now, here comes the tie-in to my original point: Taking chances.

An opportunity at work opened up for a Key Lead position at my store (the position I have my eyes on in Colorado) and, after talking with some fellow lemons (I work at lululemon in case you weren't already aware) I decided I would push back my goals and apply for the position here at home.

My mind was set, or at least I thought it was. After talking with my mom and really letting the idea of staying in Minnesota sink in, I came to another realization: I was never going to get anywhere if I didn't start taking risks. I had been creating so many reasons in my head of why I shouldn't that I forgot to focus on all the reasons that I should. So, I decided to take a leap of faith and say no to a job that I had been wanting for months to pursue a dream. Eek.

A week later, I had a fantastic conversation with one of the store managers over the phone and will be having a follow-up interview in the next several days. This doesn't sound like much, but I have a feeling it's huge. I just know it. It's a step in the right direction and that's more than enough for me.

What I'm trying to say is this: Don't limit yourself by the walls you create for yourself. Dream big, take chances and go with your gut. Always go with your gut. Live in possibility because when nothing is certain, everything is possible. I took a chance and everything has started to fall into place, and if in the end it doesn't, I know that it wasn't meant to be. (Yes, I am one of those crazy people who believe that everything is connected and nothing is happenstance.) The worst thing that could happen is that you have to start over and take a different path. Big deal. Put what you want most out into the world and you will be pleasantly surprised. I swear it.

The universe has great things in store for us, we just have to have the balls to take risks and work hard to create the lives we have always imagined.

no regrets

Whether you have it tattooed on your left butt cheek for all of eternity or just think it's a good motto to live by, we're all familiar with the "no regrets" adage or a similar rendition. For me, it's the latter. I've found myself trying to abide by this so fastidiously that I try to use it as a cop-out of sorts when I need something to take the fall for a missed opportunity or an unwise decision. Adversely, I get so distraught when I have feelings of regret that it runs me off my rocker and I spiral into a dark, damp place full of spiderwebs. Gross.

After taking the time to really think about what this phrase means to me, I've come to look at it in an entirely different light. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes. Regret is natural--it's part of being human. Regret forces me to take a moment to pause, reflect and reevaluate. It's something I can learn from, something that helps me to grow. I know that most people don't take these mottos so literally and absolutely, but when I add something to my mantra I like to stick to it. I often find myself getting caught up in suppressing feelings--sadness, rejection, anger, regret, fear, etc.--because we've deemed 'negative' feelings as undesirable, but sweeping them under the rug or brushing them off is clearly not the solution. I tend to aim for 'numb' rather than allowing myself to simply feel and be vulnerable.

It's not the feelings that are the problem--it's how those feelings make me act, what I do with these feelings, what comes next--that's the issue. Rather than scapegoating regret and painting it as the monster under the bed, I'm choosing to open myself up to it, learn from it and let it make me stronger.

Cheers to no more 'no regrets.'

xo